NO TIME!!!!!
Saturday, March 31, 2012.

im running out of time....
especially time for myself.....
all i wanna do now is to improve myself....
with knowledge....or whatever it is for a better me...
coz only this will make me feel better....
its time to shut down all emotional stuffs and keep moving forward...
im in a serious mode of remodeling and moulting myself into a better person....
in time...i shall change.....
into someone who can filter information that are not meant to be heard.....and not to get pissed off easily by something...
well....girls do get this problem.....just hope that it wont heightened...
wishing for a better tomorrow...
coz i aint feeling awesome today!

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{ 1:28 AM }

我的自愿
Tuesday, March 6, 2012.

从小就被灌输了一个概念说做医生吧。。
它能改变你的人生。。
将来会很有钱。。
在社会上也有一定的等级。。
是白领职业。。

到了小学的我只“知道”我要当医生。。。
却没因为对这一方面有深一层的了解而努力读书。。
“我要做医生” 只是一个对我带有虚荣性的一个自愿。。
让人听了对我夸目相看。

到了中学，我开始知道自己喜欢什么。。
我并不喜欢看书。。我也不喜欢背书。。
我只懂得如何享受。。。
也很清楚的知道我的梦想是什么。。
我想环游世界！！！
当时。。真的有股冲动相当飞机师。。。
那不就一石二鸟了吗？？
我不喜欢约束。。。
也不喜欢交待。。。
不喜欢解释我做的一切。。。
我就是如此的荒谬。。。
却放肆得来。。背着重重的责任感。。
喜欢不一定能自私的实行想要做的东西。。。
自由是要有。。却该懂得什么时候交待好清楚。。不让关心自己的人担心。。
是的。。生活是自己的。。。
可是家人也是生活的一部分。。。
怎样也不能让自己任性下去
选择一些不被赞同的未来。。。

拿到成绩前。。。
我还记得我对妈妈说。。。
如果没有那完 A1 就不读医科了。。
因为上天都不赞同我这位“虚荣”医生。。。
没想到他却让我有了这个机会。。还送我出国的奖学金。。
开玩笑！！！
所以。。我并没有理由拒绝编排得那么顺利的未来。。。
从出成绩的那天起。。
我已失去了选择的自由。。。
原来所有的东西。。都被安排好了。。。

就读a levels 时。。。
我还是会盘问自己。。
你在做什么？？？
因为我更本不喜欢医生的生活。。。。
没天没夜。。连睡觉的时间都没有。。。
我需要那么伟大来折磨自己吗？？？
爸妈不明白。。。。！！！他们不明白。。
就这样。。。模模糊糊的考上了医科大学。。

在这时候。。
尽然一部连续片出现。。
把我从颓废中大大力的刮醒。。。
我深深地了解到。。
当医生当然会付出很多代价。。。
但那份满足感。。。那种被病人重视的感觉。。
那种能让自己的知识帮助到别人的快乐。。。
真的真的。。让我很感动。。
这时。。我彻彻底底地知道我未来的路要真么走。。

原来病人会把你平时不留意的一句忠告，认认真真地看待。。
原来医人。。不但只是医治表面。。。
如果我们能做多一点点。。。可能就能帮助到病人全家。。。
只有喜欢这份工作的人才能把工作做好。。。
原来我是喜欢这份职业的。。。
多了这一份感动。。。我以后就没有后悔。。
我一定能做一个用心的医生。。
我要救人！！！

曾经也有朋友对我说。。
医生？？？背书而已啦。。。
更本没有挑战性。。
朋友。。。。我想说的是。。
请你别再侮辱我未来的路。。
因为只有不怕煎熬。。勇敢。。。有毅力。。。坚强。。。耐劳。。。不怕牺牲的人。。。才能走出这段路。。。
当然。。不是说你读的不需要以上的条件。。
可是。。。你就仅仅缺乏了那颗救人心。。。

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{ 12:02 AM }

期望
Monday, March 5, 2012.

每个人对生命都有着不同的期望，
有些人是为了自己，有些者为了别人。
但从来没有人可以保证这些期望会实现。
如果这些期望真的无法达成的话，
那你是否会选择坚持下去呢？？？

当然，每个人都想自己的期望能实现，
但世事往往不能尽如人意，
有时候期望越大，失望越大。
反而没期望就不会有不必要的痛苦。

也许期望会带来痛苦，
但正因为有期望，就算有多痛苦我们都能煎熬过去，
所以即使剁末还怕失望，多么怕痛，也不能失去期望。

~ on call 36 小时 ~

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{ 6:11 PM }

im lost......

seriously in need of a fren who can tell me the mistakes i made...
who i became.....
who am i...
how was i....
and what the fuck am i.....

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{ 1:37 AM }

who am i????

there will be times in your life where u feel miserable...
well...these days are here for me....
felt so negative these few days...
i acted badly....couldnt really control my emotions at all..
everything i did seems to put a negative impact on me...
whats wrong with me???
why am i such a bad ass lately??
slap slap....
wake up...
chill man!! no big deal....
is this really who i am????
or am i gonna change this attitude in me....
im not even sure when did i acquire this attitude..
can someone tell me???
when you realize that frenz around arent that many...
you noe your real problem....
time for some reflection again....recalling and remodeling...
tada! a new self yet to be challenge by obstacles again....
mood swings....shoo shoo....
i wan to be a cheerful and hyper girl...
not this freaking anxious bitch.....
sorry frenz.....now u noe who i am....
thousand apologies for those whom my action upset-ted u ..
no point regretting wat i did or who i was...
im gonna change for a better ...
yea....gonna do that...starting from today...
USSSSSSSS!

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{ 1:21 AM }

faking out of nothing at all....
Sunday, March 4, 2012.

today was another terrible day for me.......
faking out a smile where there was a pain inside....
to act tough when is not....
to swallow bac the tears that were at the edge of falling off...
try to force oneself to listen and act wats been told....to be right...
this is wat i am today....
a person tyring fulfill other people's expectations...

there isnt seem to be a real fren out there who understands me ...
pick me up when i fall...
respect my decisions...
and support what i do....

for someone who tend to overestimate themselves for something they are not...
i wish to prove them wrong.....and dont be so confident that it will be yours forever...
nothing is forever...even love...

not that i never try to make us frenz again....
but the thing is....it makes u think that i actually did too much....
guess i'll just stop trying....
coz if i cared ....it will just make u think too much and overestimate yourself again..
it is true that if we were frenz...we will spend great times together but....
im sorry ....making us strangers is better i guess...
everything i do will not seem good to you....
so no point of me trying again...
coz youve lost faith in me that we can actually still be good frenz even though we cared a lot bout each other....
nothing bout u is gotta do with me....
so you shall never think bout me again....
and if can...just forget those "we" s......we had....
i never knew you...and you never knew me....
if this is wat u wish for....
i seriously dont know wat i can do now but to ignore every thing....
not that im avoiding or anything...
coz this thing makes me sick....
im not a vampire where i can shut my feelings on and off just like that...
im nt you.....i cant just stop caring for someone whom i actually care....

i admit that i made mistakes during our times...
but it was already over...
i apologize for everything i did...
it doesnt make me guilty forever..
ppl make mistakes....and ppl change for better..
and y would u judge ppl for the mistakes they made in the past???
one will change for a better....so do i...
i understand those mistakes i made ...
im trying .....but no one else will believe...
and no one will noe how hard to try to be someone better...
and when youre trying....someone gave up on you...
and told how bad are u in front of their frenz....
this is how life is.....
accept reality guys.....

the reason behind the difficulties of expressing myself.....
every word from my mouth is the true feelings of mine...
im not faking it out just to make someone happier..
and thats the reason y i make situation worst...
for me...
a world with a mouth less....safe lives....
at least it safe a fragile heart from shattering...
onli positive actions and gestures is practical during tough times...
as a fren...talk less...and just be there for a fren in need......
thats practically all she needs....support!!! not spread....!!!!! @.@

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{ 3:11 AM }

friendship
Saturday, March 3, 2012.

frenz....on chances became close frenz..
and from close frenz......we became normal frenz again....
or even worst ....strangers.....if something bad happens which ruins this friendship.....
is this how a fren cycle goes???
hows the feeling of being let down by a close fren???
initially all 3 were good....
but suddenly...one back out..left two .....now....all gone...
its kinda heart sore to notice this reality....
one word....disappointment describes it all....
sigh.....